Today I cry...

Why do I cry today? First let me just say that I am using this blog as an emotional outlet at this moment so you will have to allow me my opportunity to use it for such. Why would I post something so private on a public forum? It's like the counselors say, sometimes just writing it down to paper (or blog) you feel better. You have a bit of an outlet or a release of emotions. Today, I cry because I miss someone that has been gone for over 14 years. Why today? I wish that I knew the answer to that question. It is a question I have asked myself numerous times. Why have I scoured the Internet for pictures or information about someone that has been gone so long? Because it was so sudden, it was so quick and I never had the opportunity to say my goodbyes. Isn't that how it works though? That is why people struggle with death, death of any kind really, but especially sudden death. You need closure of some sort and you are robbed of that. When death is sudden there is no such thing. There is no opportunity to give last hugs or well wishes or tell someone how much they impacted your life or how much they meant to you. There is no opportunity to reminisce and talk about fond memories.

Let me share some of those memories with you.

You see my parents divorced when I was very young and I think that we, my brother and I, were very fortunate in that we had step parents that treated us, their STEP children, as if we were their own. Some would say we were treated better than their own children, but that is debatable. I guess it depends on who is telling the story, but in this case it is me and I think I was treated fabulously. Anyway, Rich, let's just get rid of the old step father label, was my friend. Even as a little kid he was my friend. He took us camping and motorcycle riding, although my riding was limited to the field behind the house. My brother is the one that got to take trips to Muenster and whatnot. Although, by the time he was old enough to take those trips I was no longer interested in riding dirt bikes.

We spent many summers at the lake house and what a treat that was. I have so many fond memories of summer afternoons at the lake house, which in my mind was huge, but it probably really wasn't. What I do know is that it had a scary shower underneath the house. It was something like you would see in a frightening movie or something. Although, I didn't seem all that scared as a child, but looking back it was kind of creepy. You could fish and swim (back when I wasn't afraid of lake water) and we would hunt for frogs and then we would tie a tiny string around their neck so that we could walk them as our pets (don't freak out PETA no frogs were harmed). We were kids and he showed us kid things to do.

In the evenings we played Broncin' Bull. I think it is a similar game to one Mark played with his brother. At the end of the night, every night, we would poke our head out the back door and yell "good night Rich, love you" and we did. You see he was a smoker, a smoker until the day he died and he was out back in the clubhouse smoking. You see my mom obviously wouldn't allow smoking around the kids and as I got older I realized it wasn't your typical cigarette he was enjoying. I wouldn't have cared anyway. He was cool. Even at that awkward age, when most kids think that their parents are just embarrassing and totally uncool, he was cool. Now, when I reached middle school, while he wasn't embarrassing, I was too cool to kiss him goodbye when he would drop me off at school. I would always sneak in my goodbye about 2 blocks before we made our arrival. He knew what I was up to, but he never said a word.

I also remember the day that I made freshman cheerleader. I came home to the BIGGEST congratulatory sign I have ever seen. All hand painted of course, because he was an amazing artist. If only I had taken the time to learn from him. I was a kid though and doing what kids do.

When I turned 16 he had refinished the most amazing Mazda RX7 for me. Yes, I was a 16 year old girl that got to drive a friggin sports car. See, now I was cool too. I think he thought I was disappointed because it wasn't blue like I had requested, but I was ecstatic! The first time I drove it, there were no seats. Yes, you read correctly, there were no seats. I drove sitting on a phone book. Funny to think about that now. I loved my car. Actually, to this day I have wished that I hadn't sold that car. If a girl can love an automobile, that was the one for me. However, when you are 19 years old and the AC in your car has gone out every summer, you finally concede and sell it for a terribly unattractive boxy car that has a working AC.

I remember his HUGE red truck that he would take out back when it was muddy and he would go bananas. That truck would be covered in mud. Top to bottom. So much so that you could no longer tell that it was red. He was a grown man, but a child at heart and I loved him for that.

He drank more Dr. Peppers than anyone I have ever seen in all of my 36 years. Behind the seat of his truck you could find 10 or more half empty bottles at any given time. I don't remember him being a messy person at all, but I do remember that.

I remember that for years after he and my mom divorced he would drop Christmas gifts off for all us. He missed us and we missed him.

I remember vacations, holidays and birthdays, although very cloudy and hazy since I have the worst memory of someone that is only 36 years old. He was brave and strong. He was fabulous and wonderful and I miss him. I miss him terribly. I think that my children would have enjoyed him and I would have enjoyed just a little more time.

Maybe someday I will see him again. Who knows. I do know that I will always love him.

So thank you for allowing me the opportunity to cry. It has been therapeutic for me.

Maybe tomorrow I will smile. Probably so because I get to pick up my son, who if I haven't said so lately, is AWESOME!

Love ya -

Amy

PS - if there are misspellings or typographical errors I do not care. I have typed this entire entry with tear filled eyes.